Consent 101

Remember consent is easy.

Consent applies to and is for all forms of romantic and sexual partnerships , genders and relationships ; heterosexual + homosexual. Consent as you should note, is always and should be mandatory “before + during “ any intimate form of sexual activity ie caressing,kissing, penetration and when introducing any new sexual act with your partner.Consent is necessary in all forms of relationships ie • One night stands • New relationships • Committed relationships • sex with previous lovers • in a marriage Basically it doesn’t matter if it’s the first time you’re having sex or 1000th time ,ask for consent.

There is no such thing as unspoken rules of consent. If someone hasn’t specifically stated or explicitly giving permission you can’t assume any action as such. Eg : drinking with you ,Going home with you ,Flirtations or Outfits.

-When consent in unclear, both giving and both receiving , it’s seen as permission to persuade and convince the other person to participate. Disregarding your partners rights/opinions / boundaries to safe consensual sex is a violation.

-In the past, women have used “playing hard to get” due to reputation as well as social status to prolong giving consent( or hesitate ),it used to be seen as “making the man work for it “ in order to prove the sex (seen as conquest) worthy. BUT EVERY MAN AND WOMAN MUST NOTE , THAT DOES NOT EXIST ANYMORE.

-Giving consent : Consent is allowing or giving permission (in this case sexual activity ) ,one should always prioritize the act of verbally and enthusiastically giving consent to their partner if they are comfortable in engaging in the said act. We will break this down further.

It’s important to note that, consent is a two way street. It’s just as important and mandatory to ask for consent as well as it is to give consent. Asking for consent doesn’t have to be boring or formal. Most people seek for it without knowing it’s a form or way of consent

Using phrases like ;

“Is it okay if I kiss/touch you “, “ what do you want to do next “ , “ do you want to do this “ , “ are you okay with doing this “. can serve as forms or ways of seeking or making sure you receiving confirmation, Consent to proceed.

Let’s talk about the “grey areas” That makes it “difficult to understand or navigate consent” This is meant to help you or your partner determine the slippery slopes so you can fully understand best decisions to make in situations. Let’s discuss consent while drunk.

1. 1) Is Sex Always Non consensual When People Have Been Drinking?

Answer :No.Many people have wanted sex after drinking alcohol – and to pretend otherwise disregards a lot of real experiences. But after someone is drinking, it does become harder to convey consent to another person or to determine that a partner has consented to sex. Over here, alcohol plays a huge factor because

• Alcohol affects the ability to communicate clearly;

•People may be more likely to willfully disregard messages they’re being sent if they’re drinking

•Alcohol can give people tunnel vision, which makes them more determined to get that one thing they are focused on.

•Alcohol can increase aggressiveness, which can be disastrous when it comes to sex.

While alcohol can’t be blamed for causing a crime, we can’t deny the effect it has on people’s experiences and it doesn’t excuse a behavior. What to consider if your partner has been drinking ??

BASICALLY

• make sure to check in regularly about any sex that you’re having.

  Regularly implies , Before and during any intimate sexual act, Ask things like:

• Do you still want to do this?

• Is this okay?

• Do you need a break?

• Are you having fun?

• What do you want to do next?

2 ) How Much Do You Need to Drink to Be Unable to Consent?

While there’s no such thing as consensual sex with a passed out person,that sure isn’t the only measure of a persons ability to consent to sex.There’s a lot more than the fact of consciousness that needs to be considered . Ask yourself:

•Can this person communicate clearly?

•Are they coherent?

•Are they sober enough to know fully what is going on?

If you answered no to any of these questions –and even suspect that the last one might be a no – then you should assume that the other person is too drunk to consent to sex. Also keep in mind that even if something isn’t technically illegal, it might still be unethical – or just a bad idea. Having sex with someone who may only tentatively be saying yes, or who you suspect might later regret what they’re doing,isn’t OK there is no doubt that getting to a point of severe intoxication makes it very hard to give definitive consent. And as a general principle, sex with someone this drunk is simply a terribly unethical idea, even if it isn’t necessarily breaking the law.

3) What If Someone Said ‘No’ to Sex When Sober, But Then Said ‘Yes’ When Drinking?

People change their minds all the time. And we tend to understand that this is a basic fact of human nature. But what happens when someone said no to sex when sober then to change their mind after drinking? Is that consent? The best advice is to tread with extra caution. alcohol lowers inhibitions that a person may have wanted to shed, but oftentimes, those inhibitions are there for pretty good reasons.

Considering what alcohol is known to do best . Check below

•alcohol lowers inhibitions: for example, it reduces

•self-awareness

•ability to read social cues,

•impairs cognitive functioning,

•and allows for instigator pressures to have more of an impact.

Things to consider ; below

Ask yourself a few key questions like:

•How much has the person drank since you last checked in?

•Have they ever indicated that they wanted to have sex with you when sober?

Remember,that even if a person said yes before and after drinking ,you still need to check in.

4 ) What If They’re in a Committed relationship / marriage ?

Obviously, plenty of people in relationships happily have drunk sex without issue.

And in many relationships, consent doesn’t entail an explicit conversation each time. And that’s fine.

Navigating sex in a relationship is a really personal process, and one that often evolves over time.

It’s probably a better idea to combine sex and drinking with a person (or people) you’re already involved with. But doing so doesn’t automatically prevent sexual assault, since a relationship doesn’t negate the effects of alcohol.

Romantic or sexual involvement doesn’t ever give you permission to have unwanted sex – and a lot of sexual assaults occur within the context of relationships.

Still, the more sexual history and the more solid a relationship you have, the better you’ll be able to navigate consent after using substances.

Below are a few things to consider about consent in Committed relationships and alcohol ;

If you want to try to combine sex with alcohol within your relationship, ask yourself:

•Have you ever been drunk together before?

•If so, has your partner demonstrated the ability to make lucid decisions after drinking?

But for anyone, a good general rule of thumb is that it’s better to get the hang of sex and to get the hang of drinking with your partner(s) separately before you join the two.

5. What If All People Involved Are Drinking?

Having multiple drunk people doesn’t cancel out the possibility that one or more isn’t consenting to the sex taking place. And being drunk isn’t an excuse to commit a sexual assault. But that doesn’t stop people from trying to use drunkenness as an excuse.

For example,Cornell University explains the rationale for this interpretation in the following way:

“The responsibility for misinterpretation when either party has been drinking falls on the initiator of further sexual activity. If the person seeking sex is intoxicated,[they have] a decreased ability to discern the capacity of the other party to give consent. Under Cornell’s rules,the inability to perceive capacity does not excuse the behavior of the person who begins the sexual interaction or tries to take it to another level.”

Things to Consider

• If both or all of you are drinking, it’s really important to understand that whoever initiates sex or tries to introduce a new sex act needs to check in about getting consent.

• And if you’re the person or people moving things forward, it’s really important that you aren’t so drunk that you can’t do the needed checking in.

* Ask yourself: Did I find out if my partner wanted to do xyz before starting to do that?

* If you can’t remember or you aren’t sure, ask again and make sure that they can answer clearly before proceeding.

Think of it this way: Just like we don’t give someone a free pass for causing a car accident after drinking, we can’t do so with rape either.

But even if you’re drinking, there are still ways to ensure that the sex you’re having is wanted by all parties.

And that’s a must

CONSENT IS A MUST

GIVING CONSENT 🤝 RECEIVING. CONSENT

Facts About Sexual Violence

People don’t lie about being sexually assaulted.

Whenever a person experiences sexual assault, the idea that they will not be believed often acts as a deterrent to seeking help. Additionally, victim or survivors of sexual assault are also often blamed for what has happened to them. Because of this, and other factors, people who have been sexually assaulted report less often and do not get the help they need at a time when they need it most.

Why are there misconceptions about this?

There are many thoughts about why people think others lie about being sexually assaulted: the victim or survivor wants revenge, woke up the next morning and regretted having sex, etc. All of these ideas are false. Additionally, the general public does not want to believe that others they know and respect are capable of committing sexual assault.

The fact is…..

The data on all sexual violence crimes has found that people falsely report being sexually assaulted at the same rate as other comparable crimes: 3 percent of the time.

Sexual assault occurs at rates much higher than what is actually reported. So, in other words, instead of thinking that people lie about being sexually assaulted the opposite is true. People are afraid to admit that they HAVE BEEN sexually assaulted because of the fear and pain that is associated with their lived experience.

People who commit sexual assault are people you know.

Often we think of people who rape as a specific person who looks, acts and lives a certain way. We think of them as being so different from us that they could not possibly be in our workplaces, neighborhoods and community events.

Why are there misconceptions about this?

The media falsely portrays those who commit sexual assault in a stereotypical way which influences how people form ideas around the issue. As a result, the general public is given the wrong impression of who is actually committing sexual assault.

The fact is…..

The majority people who commit sexual assault are everyday people who are married with children and regular jobs. They are also college students, family members, co-workers, etc. Their behavior is what makes them sexual predators not their lifestyles. This does not mean that stranger rape does not happen; it does. But most victims/survivors of sexual assault know their perpetrators.

People who are in a relationship can be sexually assaulted by their partner.

Just because two people are in a relationship does not mean that their partner cannot hurt them in a sexually violent way.

Why are there misconceptions about this?

One reason people think that people who are married or in committed relationships cannot sexually assault each other is because they have had sex with that person before – perhaps even for years – with permission. Therefore, there is a widely held belief that if one has given consent once, twice or over the years, then getting consent in the future is not necessary.

The fact is…..

“Research suggests that marital rape accounts for 25 percent of all rapes” (Bachman et al., 1994). Sexual assault between persons in a relationship, or what is called intimate partner rape (IPR), occurs in various ways – not just rape. Some of these ways include manipulation, coercion and pressuring the other person to have sex or do perform sexual activities when that person does not want to. No matter how long two people have been together or how many times they have had consensual sex in the past, does not give one person permission to sexually assault their partner.. Each time people engage in sex with their partners, they should use “checking in” language and use good communication to ensure that each partner is fully present in the decision to have sex.
Bachman, Ronet, and Bruce M. Taylor. “The Measurement of Family Violence and Rape by the Redesigned National Crime Victimization Survey,” Justice Quarterly, Vol. 11, No. 3, September 1994.

Drunk or drug-facilitated sex can be sexual assault.

When drugs or alcohol are used to lower someone’s cognitive thinking skills or ability give consent to sexual activity that is rape. Often when a victim or survivor reports having been intoxicated or on drugs, their story is deemed “regret sex” or “they just had too much to drink.”

Why are there misconceptions about this?

Our society is one that uses sex to sell alcohol (which is a drug) and as a result, we are given images of how people are “supposed to act” when they are under the influence. These ideas come directly from the media and alcohol companies of whom portray women and men in very different roles when they are drinking. Women are portrayed as becoming sexually aroused and highly promiscuous. Men are portrayed as becoming reckless and predatory for sex. In other words, the media sells us ideas of the expectation of alcohol’s effect which leads to justifying the sexual act or dismissing the sex act as “just drunk sex.”

The fact is…..

“At least 50 percent of college students’ sexual assaults are associated with alcohol use” (Abbey, 2002). But the problem doesn’t stop at just college campuses. Alcohol and drug-induced sexual assaults occur inside and outside of our homes, workplaces and social functions. When alcohol and drugs are used as ways to lower a person’s inhibition or defenses so that they are not able to give consent, this is sexual assault and punishable under the law.

Abbey, A. (2002). “Alcohol-Related Sexual Assault: A Common Problem among College Students.” Journal of Studies on Alcohol, Supplement 14: 118-128.

Men and women both can be victims of sexual assault.

Sexual assault and rape are traditionally thought to be a women’s issue; that women are the only ones who are and can be victimized; and that women are the ones who should end sexual assault. Unfortunately, men are victims and survivors of sexual assault and rape too. Their victimization is just as important to take seriously and end as women’s victimization.

Why are there misconceptions about this?

Men are told to play very specific stereotypical roles in our society. Those stereotypes include being physically strong, emotionally absent and always in control. When men are put into these types of boxes, there is little room for them to admit that they have been a victim of anything, let alone sexual assault. Many people believe that men should have been strong enough to fight off their attacker; that men are not able to be sexually assaulted by women; and that men are simply incapable of being sexually assaulted.